She Knew How to Love People

- February 15, 2017

My Favorite Picture of Her

One year ago today I awoke to the sound of those dreadful words "I need a crash cart" and then "code blue". I looked at my brother (he was in ICU also) and realized it wasn't him and my first thought was please don't let it be Toto. As I step out of my brothers room I realized it was Toto - she was in the room next to my brother.

As I watched in shock while the doctors and nurses worked on her the realization suddenly hit me that she was gone. As this realization settled in my mind I realized I was gasping for air because I felt like I couldn't breath and I was suddenly aware of the tears streaming down my face.

I remember a nurse and a chaplain trying to get me to leave the ICU area and with intelligible words and pointing I was finally able to communicate that I would not leave because I had a right to be there because of my brother and that she was my friend.

The nurse told me I needed to slow down my breathing before I passed out. They had me sit down until I could somewhat regain my composure. I'm not sure how long it took but I imagine no more than 5 minutes.

After I "calmed" down I got back up to watch as they continued to work on her. Even though I knew she was gone it still didn't quite register. My next thought was her kids. I asked a nurse should I call her kids and she said yes.

I called her daughter Tasha first. I told her she needed to get to the hospital right away. She asked me what was going on and I told her, her mom was "crashing". Then I called her son. I knew my Pastor was out of town but I felt there should be someone from the ministerial staff there so I called one of the associate ministers.

I turned my focus back to watching the doctors and nurses work on my friend and I am not sure why - I just did. Her daughter and son arrived after some time. The doctor asked her family if they wanted them to continue resuscitation efforts and her daughter said yes. Finally the doctor "called" it and officially pronounce her dead.

I watched as her son and daughter tried to grasp the thought that their mom was gone. I watched helplessly as her daughter refused to accept this fact and started CPR on her mom (her daughter is in the medical field).

Finally the reality of her death set in with her son and daughter and again I watched helplessly as their tears flowed and then as other immediate family members flowed in.

A few hours before her death I stepped into her room. I gently touched her shoulder and she opened her eyes. Our eyes locked and she gave me a long penetrating stare and when she could hold her eyes open no longer she closed them. I gently rubbed her shoulder and told her to rest.

I remember feeling frustrated afterwards because I knew she was trying to tell me something but she was just too weak. After she passed I realized that maybe she was trying to tell me goodbye.

The Sunday before at church - her last Sunday at church she was all "decked out". She had on a jacket that I bought had embroidered for her to match her turquoise blue sequined cowboy boots and a t-shirt that I had made for her when she was selected as "mother of the year". I teasingly told her how I loved her outfit and we laughed.

Front of Her Jacket

Back of Her Jacket

I have so many fond memories and thoughts of her. There are very few people who can take my personality in all its glory and still love me - she was one of them. She knew how to love people.

Today has been difficult for me because I am missing my friend and selfishly wishing she were still here with me.

God ordained my circumstances so that I could spend those few precious moments each day with her in the last week of her life. He allowed me to be the one to call her family instead of of the hospital staff. My God did that for me and I am so grateful. He allowed us to say goodbye even though I didn't realize we were saying goodbye. I know I will see her again in heaven but for now I dearly miss my friend.